


running in circles and i can't breathe

by appleofmysirius



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Break Up, Divorce, F/M, Kuroo's Family Life features in this, Long-Distance Relationship, toxic relationship behaviours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28990722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appleofmysirius/pseuds/appleofmysirius
Summary: Kuroo puts miles of distance between the two of you when the two of you try long distance. Some distances are too large to broach.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader, Sugawara Koushi/Reader
Kudos: 28





	running in circles and i can't breathe

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: this fic discusses divorce and toxic relationship dynamics.

There’s a grassy hill in your neighbourhood, which was the location of your childhood quests with Kuroo and Kenma. Often, at the top of the hill, Kenma would sit and play games, pretending to be the damsel in distress. You and Kuroo would run up the hill to save him, tumbling around in the grass afterwards. 

Gone are the days of grass-stained clothes and sunkissed skin. Right now, you’re faced with a much more terrifying prospect at the top of the hill. The city lights twinkle below you as Kuroo takes his seat beside you. 

“Can you believe we graduated high school?” He wonders aloud. A light breeze blows through the air, ruffling Kuroo’s hair slightly.

You pluck a leaf from his hair. Kuroo shoots you an amused look. 

“I’m going to miss Kenma,” you sigh, thinking about leaving your good friend behind as you parted ways for university while he finishes his last year of High School.

“What about me?” Kuroo asks, nudging your side. 

“Of course I’ll miss you,” you roll your eyes, nudging him right back. 

The two of you sit in silence for a minute before Kuroo breaks it. “I wish you weren’t going away.” 

You stare at Kuroo- he was the first person outside of your family that you told of your acceptance to Kyoto University. He had congratulated you proudly, before sobering for a moment at the realisation that you would be hours away from him instead of a few houses down, as you had been for more than ten years. 

“Why are you saying this now?” Truth is, you’re a little irritated. 

Leaving home for something new and unknown is hard, especially when you know Kuroo is staying here in Tokyo, continuing his education at Keio University. You’re leaving in two months, deciding to go early so you could get acclimatised. 

“I like you,” Kuroo responds, turning to you. Uncertainty swims in his eyes, his entire body screams hesitation. He’s scared of how you’ll react. Kuroo, who has for years now, faced everything challenging head on, never one to back down, just gave you a cowardly confession and now was afraid of your reaction.

“Like,” you swallow past your nerves, “Like a friend? Or more.” 

“More.” His hands creep closer to yours. 

The gentle charge of hesitation in the air as the two of you stand on the precipice of what could be something new and beautiful or something that ends in heartbreak.

Having to be the rational one at this moment, you remind him, “But I’m going to Kyoto in two months. You’re staying here.” 

“Distance doesn’t mean anything to me,” he murmurs, shifting closer to you. 

Cupping Kuroo’s cheek, you look into the eyes of the boy you have loved since you were children. As always, the tenderness is there. But there’s a fire burning, turning his eyes amber, as he hopes and yearns for you to return his feelings. Uncertainty swims in his eyes as he awaits you to respond, patient as always when it came to those he loved. 

You reach forward, kissing him softly. Kuroo makes a noise of surprise, but he melts into you. 

“I want to give long distance a try,” he admits when you pull away. “Please.” 

“Okay,” you smile because if there’s one person you trust, one person you have faith in to be by your side in the future, it’s him. 

“I love you,” the both of you say at the same time. 

His eyes widen excitedly, tackling you to the grass and kissing you again. 

Oh, you think, if only that optimism lasted.

* * *

You kick your feet on the pavement outside the convenience store as you wait for Kuroo to finish up inside. He had invited you on a late-night convenience store run, so here you were, dressed in his hoodie as he bought you both milk tea. 

“Here,” he says, pressing the warm plastic bottle to your forehead. Plucking it from his fingers, you take a long sip of your hot milk tea. 

“I’m going to miss this,” Kuroo says, throwing an arm around you and drawing you close towards him. “When you move.” 

“Me too,” is all you can say because you’re overcome with the image of your train ticket sitting tucked in your travel wallet. Your suitcase is packed and ready to go. 

“But I know you’ll be busy,” you bump his shoulder, “With your volleyball and your studies, nerd.”

“Hey!” Kuroo huffs, pinching your arm lightly, “Not like you aren’t going to the one of best universities in the country, either.”

You sigh, wistful. There’s a fear of the impending longing you’ll feel for him when you leave, the fear of going somewhere new, of leaving everyone behind. You worry about him, about how he dedicates himself to so many things without much thought for himself. You wonder about your future in his life; you know Kuroo is destined for great things. You just wonder if you’ll be a part of it. 

“Don’t think too much,” he teases, knuckles brushing against the crease in your forehead, “Time will pass and we’ll see each other again.”

You pass him a soft smile, taking his hand. You want to believe that the two of you would be okay.

* * *

When you moved to Kyoto just a mere three months after starting your relationship, the differences were jarring. The two of you had decided to spend every waking moment together to maximise your time together, but suddenly being ripped away as you took the train to your new life felt like someone was hacking away at you limb by limb. Kuroo was after all, your best friend and neighbour, before he became your boyfriend. The two of you were a significant part of each other’s lives before dating and even more so in those short but sweet three months. 

It’s embarrassing, but you spend the better part of your train ride fighting a losing battle with the lump in your throat and the tears in your eyes. So by the time you alight, your eyes are red and puffy, voice scratchy as you ask for directions from a stranger. You grip the handle of your suitcase tight, breathing in the fresh air of the Kyoto neighbourhood which would be your home for the better part of the next four years. 

You're drained and weary by the time you hit your university accommodations, collapsing on to the bed for a quick nap. You can unpack later, resting is your priority now. A knock on your door rips you out of dreamland.

A boy with grey hair pokes his head in, “Hey! Your door was open so I decided to pop in. There’s a welcome thingy going on in the student lounge.”

You groggily follow after him. 

“Oh, I’m Sugawara, by the way.”

“L/N,” you smother a yawn. 

Sugawara, it turns out, knows Kuroo. The second you told him you went to Nekoma High, his face lit up and he mentions Kuroo and Yaku. His brief description of his own former team is unfamiliar, save for the boy with orange hair, who you knew to be Kenma’s friend. 

“And you’re his girlfriend?” Sugawara asks.

You nod.

“Nice!” He smiles, “I’m glad we got to know each other.” 

Sugawara, or Suga as you now call him, is there to study early childhood education. Meanwhile, you’re here to study political science- at the school of your dreams. The two of you settle in to campus pretty easily, and to your surprise, Suga joins you in the university newspaper instead of joining the volleyball club like you expected.

You think of a certain someone else who’s recently registered with the Keio University volleyball team with a pang in your heart. Barely a week apart and you already miss him fervently. 

A chime on your phone lets you know a message has come through.

_Wanna call later?_

Those three words bring a smile to your face. Biting your lips to stop the smile from threatening to split your face open, you quickly arrange a time for your call.

“Is that Kuroo?” Suga asks, chin tilted towards your phone. 

You nod, tucking your phone into your pocket.

“It must be hard going long distance,” Suga muses, “I miss my friends back home like crazy already.” 

“It’s not so bad,” you speak with the wisdom of someone who doesn’t know what’s yet to come, “I mean I miss him, but we’ve both been so busy, neither of us have had the time to process it.” 

You bid Suga goodbye with a wave, heading back to your dorm to get ready for your video call with your boyfriend. Showering and putting on his old t-shirt, you hop into bed with your laptop on your lap. You feel giddy, excited as you open up the video call application, craving to listen and see Kuroo. 

Kuroo’s call comes through in moments, and his face pops up on the screen. He’s still living at home, so you see his posters behind him and his feet kicking up in the air behind him.

“Hey,” he gives you his signature smirk, chin resting in his hands. 

“Tetsu,” you beam, instantly feeling the stress drain from your shoulders when you hear his voice and see his face.

“How’s it holding up over there?”

“I met this guy-” you say, giggling when you see the raise of his eyebrows, “His name is Sugawara. From Karasuno High in Miyagi!”

“Oh,” relief visibly passes across Kuroo’s face, “The vice-captain with the grey hair. Yeah, he’s cool.”

“That’s all you have to say?” You ask, “Because it seemed to me you were jealous.”

“And what I was?” Kuroo says without missing a beat, “Because Sugawara from Karasuno is going to get to see my girlfriend everyday, while I don’t.” 

“Tetsu,” you frown.

“I’m kidding!” He laughs, but the sound is a little too sharp, “Obviously I wish I could be with you. But you don’t know how proud I am of you for getting where you are.” 

“Thank you, Tetsurou,” you smile into the camera.

The two of you chit-chat for a little bit, filling each other in on the ups and downs of your first week of university life. Kuroo’s already established himself to his professors and got a place in the Volleyball team. You tell him about your university newspaper club and how you feel about your new classmates. When he tells you he needs to go for dinner, you sigh, and wish him goodnight.

“I love you,” he says, “It might be too soon, but I’ve always loved you. That doesn’t change just because we’re apart.” 

“Me too,” you end the call with a heavy heart, “I love you too.”

You shut the laptop with a soft click.

* * *

Sugawara quickly becomes your best friend; it’s hard not to accept him wholeheartedly in your life when he’s so sweet and funny. The two of you study together in the library and sign up to write a piece for the school newsletter together, and even go to see a movie together a couple of times.

You obviously make time to video call your boyfriend in between everything, yearning to spend real time with him, not just watch him through a screen.

However, despite only seeing him through a screen, it’s abundantly clear to you that Kuroo is overworking himself. He’s taken on so many responsibilities, with his Double Major in Accounting and Communications, his Volleyball club and apparently he’s also joined some kind of student council. There are dark circles under his eyes which grow steadily by the week and an almost sort of relief that washes over his face whenever you end the video call. 

You’re beginning to think he sees you as another burden, another encumbrance on a long list of priorities. And knowing him, he’s got his family commitments, like visiting his mother once a week, even though she lives across town, and bringing his grandparents to the doctors. He’s dutiful and you hate that you’re slowly morphing into just another duty he needs to attend to, not a girlfriend he looks forward to talking to.

You end the call that night with a lump in your throat. Immediately, you head over to Sugawara’s room for comfort. He’s there with another friend of his, someone from high school named Kiyoko. They both open their arms to comfort you, Sugawara stroking your back when you weep into his shoulder, a profound ache in your heart at the realisation that you’ve become nothing but a burden to your boyfriend. The boy you’ve loved your entire life. And that you might have to potentially exit his life as a burden. 

When you finally fall asleep, you do so seated on his bed and slumped against the wall between Kiyoko and Sugawara. 

“I don’t think he’s right for her,” says Sugawara, “He’s always been a bit, uh, slimy.”

“That’s for her to decide,” Kiyoko reminds him, “She sees a different side of him, remember?” 

“Still,” Sugawara insists, “He shouldn’t be making her feel like a burden. She isn’t one.”

Kiyoko shoots him a warning look, inky black eyes sharp as she reminds him to know his place. She pulls you towards her, allowing you to rest your head on her shoulder. 

* * *

The 500 km distance between Kuroo and you only grew as the months in college did. Your calls dwindled into weekly ones, instead of every other day. And there were many times where Kuroo just called you while he did his work, so you had to stare at a still of your boyfriend as he finished his readings or worked on his tutorial sheets. 

“Tetsu,” you sigh, hating how your voice cracked. 

He looks up, eyebrows raised as he awaits your question. 

You take a deep breath and get ready to ask him about whether you’re being a burden when suddenly his phone rings. He answers it while he’s still on call with you, smiling as he speaks to whoever’s on the other side. 

“Mmm,” he hums, “Yeah, can’t wait to see you! I’ll be over soon.”

“You’re going somewhere?” You ask.

“Oh,” he mentions like it was an afterthought to let you know, “one of my buddies is hosting a small get-together at his dorm!”

“I see,” you reply, lips pressed into a flat line.

“Well, goodnight Tetsu, I won’t keep you from your work any longer.” 

“Sure?” He asks, but his eyes plead for you to end the call. 

You nod, already planning to go and cry to Sugawara and Kiyoko. He grins, giving you a quick wave, hanging up on you without even saying goodbye. The realisation that he was drained and worn-out, but drained and worn out because of you hurt, like a knife to your chest. 

Your fingers shakily type out a text to the groupchat you’re in with Sugawara and Kiyoko. They come by twenty minutes later with cheap wine and fried chicken. 

He calls you again the week after, suddenly intent on having a proper conversation with you, the first time in two months. You engage him as best as you can, chin in your hand as the two of you reminisce about your old days with Kenma, growing up together and going to High School together.

Sugawara bursts through the door, asking you about something. You look up from your video call, sheepishly gesturing to your laptop. He sighs dramatically and exits. Meanwhile, Kuroo’s smile is wiped off his face.

“What’s wrong?” You ask.

“Didn’t realise you were that close,” he comments, fingers drumming into his table.

“Yeah,” you mention almost vindictively, “He’s been my closest friend since I got here.”

“I don’t know that I like it,” Kuroo comments, leaning back in his chair, “Because you’re always talking about him whenever we call and text.” 

“He’s just my friend, Tetsu,” you roll your eyes. 

“Do you talk about all your friends this much?” He asks, frowning.

“What is your problem?” You hiss.

“My problem is you’ve barely been talking to me, but seem just fine talking to Sugawara.”

“Tetsu,” you say, hating how your voice comes out pinched and wavering, “He’s my friend. Meanwhile, I feel like I can’t even get you to spend one hour with me before you’re rushing off to a party or some other commitment.”

“Shit,” he curses, fingers twitching in an unconscious movement to try and comfort you, but you sit behind a screen. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologises, thumbs pressing into his temples and his eyes shut tight, “I’ve been feeling guilty that I haven’t had time for you. And I’ve been a little jealous of Sugawara since he gets to be with you all the time.”

“Then talk to me,” you plead, “I’m here for you. I’ve always been here for you.” 

“I know,” he says, “I know. I wish I didn’t have to be apart from you. It’s so hard. These past few months have been tough without you.” 

“We can get through this, though. Only a few months until I come back to Tokyo.” 

He sighs in relief, “I can’t wait.” 

* * *

_Tetsu, it’s our six months’ coming up! Do u want to do something special?_

The text goes unanswered for three days. 

You call him on a Friday night. You feel so foolish for thinking that things will go back to normal; that Kuroo will not spread himself so thin anymore. But you know Kuroo, you know him and in his inability to rest unless he’s occupied every second of every day and how he always bites off more than he can chew every time. 

He answers you with the sound of chatter in the background.

“Hello,” he answers, “How are you?”

“Did you see my text?” You ask, cutting to the chase. 

“What text?”

“Our six month anniversary is today.” 

“Shit,” he mutters, “Shit, shit, I forgot.” 

“I know,” your voice is devoid of emotion, because you’re so tired. So, so tired. 

“Look, Y/N, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll-”

“Where are you right now?” You ask, honing in on the noise of chatter behind him.

“I don’t see how that matters,” he grumbles.

“Answer me.” 

“At a dinner party- with the VBC. But I swear, I’ll-”

“I’m breaking up with you. Goodbye.” You hang up. 

You barely make it to Sugawara’s room, falling into his arms and crying your heart out. 

* * *

Kuroo doesn’t contact you after you dumped him over the phone. You spend most of your weekend with Sugawara, alternating between being comforted and trying to take your mind off the breakup by watching movies or playing games on his Switch. You’re heartbroken, but Sugawara’s kind and comforting in all the ways you need; a salve for your wounded heart. 

The two of you await Kiyoko’s return from town, with her promised tteokbokki, watching a movie on his laptop. You allow him to hold you close, longing for the comfort you haven’t been able to get from your boyfriend, or well, ex-boyfriend. 

A knock on your door startles the both of you. Kiyoko was only supposed to come back in another hour or so, how did she get back so quickly? You open the dorm, Sugawara’s arm around your shoulder and his cheek pressed to the top of your head. 

Your smile drops off your face when you realise it’s Kuroo standing on the other side of the door, gripping the straps of his backpack. He looks so unsure and tired, staring at where Sugawara is holding you close. A flicker of hurt crosses his face, his mouth struggling to form words. His feet move before you can stop him. He bolts from the corridor, running down the stairs.

“Go after him,” Sugawara tells you, “Don’t worry.” 

You chase after him, taking the stairs as fast as you can without tripping, cursing for the millionth time that he had such long legs. 

“Tetsuro!” You tell, “Tetsuro, wait!”

He whirls around and you can see the redness of his nose, the purple circles under his eyes, the tight frown on his mouth. A soft sob breaks your concentration- he’s crying. 

“Tetsuro,” you soothe him, wrapping your arms around his middle. 

He throws his arms around you, pulling you close. You can hear him try to compose himself, his jagged breathing in your ear as his tears drip on to your sweater. Cradling the back of his head, you hold him close. 

“I’m sorry,” he gasps, “I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” you comfort him, “I know you were busy. Something had to give.”

“But it didn’t have to be you,” he gasps, wiping his tears on the back of his hand. “Why did you have to leave?” 

“Tetsuro, you have too many commitments. I was becoming just another commitment to you, not a partner, not even a friend. And it was breaking my heart. So I had to let you go, for your sake and mine.”

“I took on all those commitments for us,” he reaches forward, clasping your hands, “For our future. I want to get a good job after we graduate, be able to take care of you.” 

“I appreciate that,” you say earnestly, “Really, I do. But I want you to be realistic, Tetsuro. How were you going to be able to manage everything?” 

“I would have tried,” he insists.

And you look at him, really take a look at the boy you love. He’s growing up, becoming a man who needs to learn how to manage his responsibilities. He can’t juggle twenty things at once, and if he has any hope of being a family man like he has indicated to you, he’d need to learn balance. You hated to have to be the one who teaches it to him. Because now, it comes at the expense of your broken heart. 

You see the boy who moved into town fresh after his parents’ divorce, shy and awkward. He grew into someone with strong convictions and a good heart but he’s always held the belief that love meant doing everything for someone. He threw himself into pushing you and Kenma to be the best you could be, sometimes forgetting himself. And here, he threw himself into a future that may not even materialise, trying to guarantee everything he could create with his own two hands for your sake. 

“Tetsu,” you thread your fingers together, “Sometimes, you need to live in the moment. I didn’t even feel like I was in a relationship with you.” 

“Don’t leave,” he begs, “Please. I’ll be enough for you.” 

You gasp, looking up at him, ready to correct his erroneous statement. He’s always been more than enough, he’s just what you need. 

There’s an almost desperate gleam in his eyes. “Please, Y/N.”

“Tetsuro, what’s going on? Why did you come here? Why didn’t you call me?” You ask, pulling him over to a sofa in the student lounge. 

He sinks next to you, burying his face in his hands. “You’ve been with me since I was a kid. You knew how hard it was for me, those first few years- my dad was always working, my mom didn’t want anything to do with us and I saw her once a week, really. My sister went overseas, so I was really all alone except for you and Kenma.” 

You stroke his back as he continues, “My parents’ marriage was bad. I think I was the thing that broke them up- Dad needed to work more since we had more mouths to feed and Mom felt trapped and they were always fighting. He was so heartbroken when she left, and I never want to go through that. I want to be enough for you, I can’t deal with the thought that we failed because I didn’t give it my best shot. Because I wasn’t the thing that made you happy anymore.” 

“Tetsu,” you sigh, holding his much larger frame in yours, “We failed because our relationship was too much. You have so many other responsibilities, it’s unfair to keep you chained to a girl 500 km away from you; I refuse to be a burden for you. I love you too much.” 

“I want you to listen to me,” you say seriously, cupping his cheek and making him look at you, “We’re not getting back together. Not until your schedule eases up. But now, you need time for yourself, time to breathe and relax.” 

He looks crestfallen. 

“Hey,” you remind him, “We were friends first. We can still be friends. I’ll always love you, too, Tetsu. Our breakup isn’t going to change that.” 

“I’ll always love you too,” he says into your hair, tilting your chin up for one final kiss. 

You watch him walk out of your dorm building. You sigh, releasing a breath you didn’t know you were holding in. 

**Author's Note:**

> hihi i hope u enjoyed! tumblr plug @1tooru.. also comments and kudos r greatly appreciates <3


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